Santa Claus is Coming to Town

By Savahna Jackson (copyright 2010 all rights reserved)

I had always loved Christmas and that hasn’t changed much since the incident, which everyone now refers to as Red Christmas. Oh, of course there were a few things that I had to change (no more eating milk and cookies), but overall, the life of Santa Claus was extraordinarily similar to that of a vampire.

Really, it had all started with that damn new fangled technology that my head elf Travers had kept shoving down my throat. It was the first Christmas that I had been using a GPS, when unknown to Travers or me, it had gotten a virus and was directing me to every house to the left of the actual house that I needed. When I think of all the bad boys and girls that got toys that Christmas, I still shiver.

Now, one of the important things you must know is that I had not believed in vampires until that Christmas. Everyone thinks that I’m like an all seeing god, that I’m a constant shadow looming over your shoulder. My whole organization of nice and naughty people is a lot more impersonal. My elves get a small note with a person’s name and what deed they had done. For instance, the note they received for E. Bathory, the resident that I visited on that fateful Christmas, had two columns that read as such:

Nice Deeds: N/A

Naughty Deeds: 43 murders, 38 assaults, 52 kidnappings, 129 sexually inappropriate encounters.

My elves then tally up both the nice and naughty deeds and decide, based off the Nicholas Scale, if they are eligible for Nice or Naughty status and record that status on The List, the only thing that I looked at to see if people were naughty or nice. Since that time we have dramatically changed our system, adding several other categories that people can be placed in such as Vampire, Deranged, Homicidal, Deviant, and several others.

On that night of Red Christmas I had been on my merry way, visiting houses, dropping off presents, and eating a cookie here and there. It was two thirty in the morning when I dropped down the chimney of Ms. Elisabeth Bathory and I knew right away that this was not going to turn out good. I think what gave me that impression was the fact that she had a young girl tied to a chair, drained of blood, and had been twirling around singing, “Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me. I’ve been an awfully good girl.” At which point she started to laugh hysterically even spilling her very thick, red drink on her black carpet. Her décor was a far cry from my red and green ensemble at home, looking more like a mock haunted house set to the gothic era.

Her laughter was cut off quickly upon noticing me, her red eyes wide with surprise. “Who…Santa?” We had stared at each other in equal surprise and astonishment, at which time I had noticed that she was an exceptionally beautiful woman. Her hair was onyx black, smooth and full, her skin a flawless porcelain color that Mrs. Claus would die for, and her figure was second to none.

“I think I’m on the naughty list, Santa.” She had said in this throaty, purr of a voice that in truth, made me feel a few centuries younger. She had placed her wine glass down and walked toward me with a predatory strut that turned out to be very sexy. “I’ve done some very naughty things. Do you have a list of them?” It was at this point that I would have liked to have been able to pull out a list, seen that she was a vampire that fornicated with and murdered her victims, and been able to run away. As it was, all I did was stupidly shake my head and watched as she came forward.

It happened quickly and it was supremely pleasurable. She jumped on me, tore my clothes away, bit and had her merry fun. I woke up two hours later with her smoking a cigarette and staring at me. “Yeah, I’ve been wondering when you would be coming around. Listen, it’s coming close to dawn and I don’t let people stay over at my place. You really need to get going or the sun is going to get ya.” Her elegant hands had pointed to the chimney and the last I saw of her was her walking away from me.

I had jumped up the chimney and ran to my sleigh. One very nice advantage to being a vampire was that all those old creaks and aches were gone. I’ll admit that I took a sip from Rudolph, but he’s forgiven me and is happy that he no longer has to eat Flight Bite Reindeer Chow to fly, nor do any of the others since they have all been bitten now also. The food was killing me to pay for, and it was simply cheaper to turn them. I own the only blood bank at the North Pole, so our blood supply is pretty solid.

Life is pretty normal, though I don’t go outside when the sun is out and I and Mrs. Claus have now been in couples counseling for the past ten months. I don’t get it; she was a vampire, she mesmerized me! Still, Dr. Jingle says we have to repair our ‘trust bridge’ that is currently ‘under construction.’ I still fly out every Christmas Eve, though the whole turning to mist thing works a lot better than the chimney. I make sure I have a big dinner and a few snacks in the sleigh so I don’t get hungry. And if a few naughty children are missing in the morning, well, then now they have a whole new reason to be nice.