The Case of the Unlikely Vampire

I was surprised when I walked out to find I wasn’t alone in the shadow behind the building. There were two men – no back-packs so I didn’t figure them for students – standing close to a shrub. I was a bit worried, and hurriedly moved into the parking lot. Bimbette – well, Tiffany, but always Bimbette in my mind – was leaning against a dark SUV with the two men hovering in front of her. She was posed in such a way that their backs were to the shadowed figures, but hey, I hadn’t put two and two together then.

I muttered my farewell to them all as I passed, and opened my trunk to put my bag in. At that moment I heard the sound of a scuffle.

“Die, vampire scum!” I heard as a man hit the dirt as my feet. He had a machete in his hand, so I backed up quickly with a squeal. He appeared winded, but I wasn’t trusting anyone holding a machete. As I moved around the car to the passenger side and safety, I tried to find the pepper-spray in my purse.

Looking across the way I could see my two students dealing with the remaining man, and Tiffany, who was now holding a wood stake. One was effortlessly holding Tiffany’s hands – stake and all – at her hips while the other tossed Mr. Machete over the hood of the car.

Mr. Machete quickly bounced back up and came at them again; this time the machete was wrested from his hands, and he was pulled close to Student 2 – Vincent? Michael? Never could remember student names – who looked into his eyes. Suddenly Mr. Machete went motionless. Tiffany did the same.

I was trying desperately to get my passenger door unlocked so I could get to safety when Mr. Machete 1 grabbed me from behind.

About then I finally managed to start screaming, but it was a bit on the too late side; he fitted his hand over my mouth and my scream came out all muted.

He edged me around my car, telling my students – vampires? Vincent? Michael? – “Let the girl go, or I’ll kill this woman.”

For an instant their eyes met, and I felt my fate hang in the balance. They were obviously way stronger and more powerful than the two attackers and Tiffany altogether. There was no real reason why they should care if the man killed me or not. I was just a totally disposable – ask my bosses if I’m disposable – teacher. I was nothing to them. They could easily kill Tiffany and the man while Machete man killed me, then freely finish machete man off. They could have dinner at their leisure before driving away with no one knowing they were present.

“Let her go first, and then we’ll free these two,” Vincent – I was fairly sure Vincent -- told him.

“You first, vampire scum,” the man holding me answered.

“Please!” I exclaimed, although I still couldn’t tell you which set of men I was begging.

Vincent and Michael holding Tiffany and Machete Man 2 moved slowly towards us. “At the same time,” Vincent said; I would have sworn he winked at me while saying it.

“Oh God, oh God, oh God,” I began muttering under my breath, words muffled by fear.

I was sure now that I was going to die. I didn’t want to die. My life may have been shit, but I didn’t want to die.

We continued moving slowly towards the other group as they approached us. The two vampires moved away from their two hostages as the man holding me now urged me backwards with his machete tight under my chin.

When there was ten feet between us and the two vampires, the machete man shouted “run” at his friends. I thought he was going to free me. I thought I was going to live. But as he whirled he dragged the machete lightly over my throat. There wasn’t too much pain, but a bit of blood welled out.

I had thought Vincent and Michael would chase the vampire slayers – I now knew they must be slayers – but instead their eyes were riveted on my throat.

Vincent’s tongue licked his lips as he looked at my throat.

“Um, guys,” I told them. “Don’t you think maybe you should get somewhere safe? They might come back.”

As I said that we heard revving, and suddenly a car was bearing down on us. Both men tackled me and we hit the ground in a heap with me at the bottom. With my hand at my throat I’d said, “Well, I think they’ve gone now.”

Then I realized that I was alone in a darkened parking lot with two vampires, and I was bleeding. The first guys I’d had on top of me in several years, and they were vampires! And again, I was bleeding.

“What are we going to do with you?” Vincent asked me. “You know what we are.” As though he couldn’t resist, he leaned closer and licked a drip off my collarbone.

“Ah, please don’t guys. I promise I won’t tell anyone. Who would believe me anyway?”

“There is that,” Michael agreed, as he licked a dribble off my hand.

God, his tongue on my hand was warm. Way too intimate. Way too easy to forget these were vampires, these were students. But my throat was still oozing – they’re interested in your throat, not you, I reminded myself. And they’re vampires. Yes, I repeated it and kept reminding myself.

Surprisingly, they helped me to my feet, then to my car where I wrapped my scarf tightly over the oozing blood on my throat.

“The bloodshed is stopping,” Vincent said, leaning in my window to lick my throat.

“Ahem,” Michael cleared his throat. “You’d best leave her be,” he told him, then added to me, “you’d best leave now,” and he pulled Vincent away from my throat.

I did as he told me, figuring leaving with my life was a good thing, and if silence was the price to life, then silence was a great thing.

I never expected to see the brothers again, but the following night one Vincent was sitting in my office for office hours. We talked the whole hour since – as usual – no one else showed up. I ran into him two nights later sitting in the coffee shop of the local bookstore. Then the following week both men were sitting in my classroom like nothing had occurred. Tiffany, the slaying Bimbette, never did show back up. I assumed they’d taken care of her, but didn’t ask, didn’t want to know.

Things continued along those lines until finals week, when they both, surprise, aced their exams. After finals I began seeing Vincent more and more often, and every once in awhile he’d lick a paper cut. Yes, he was far too young, sort of. Far too handsome and I felt like a cougar. But, hey, whatever. He was smart, funny, and had (has) a wicked sense of humor. I liked spending time with him. Of course, along about my next birthday (and no, you don’t need to know) he offered me one hell of a present. The kind you only get once in your life. Eternity.

Not sure what I’ll do with eternity, but certainly Vincent is worth spending a few hundred years with while I figure out what I want to do with my un-life. No one should have to teach grammar after they die.