Vampire Thesis Statements

Most student essays are mere puddles of flesh with the occasional heap of muscle sitting on the table. They are unappetizing to the vampire palate at best. They are missing the essential skeletal structure which would make them have life. They need the skeletal structure of the thesis.

It is apparent to me that a bit more needs to be understood about writing the thesis for an essay about vampires, or actually about any topic, since EVERY SINGLE PAPER YOU WRITE MUST HAVE A THESIS. Yes, I am making that statement very strongly – in fact, yelling it. Why? (And yes, I get asked this why a lot.) What is so important about a thesis? It tells the reader what the paper is about! Yes, the title will also tell me something, but the thesis is the guide for the paper.

Perhaps it is my age and experience, but I simply don’t understand last terms papers and their lamentably lame (or lacking) thesis statements.

These are examples of LAME thesis:

• The vampire in XXX.
  
• Edward Cullen. (What about whom?)
  
• Trees.
  
• I’m going to talk about vampires.
  
• After thinking for several seconds about this assignment, and finding nothing come immediately to mind, I remembered a book about a vampire I read a long time ago. This is going to be about that.
  

Many of you will understand automatically why each of those aren’t thesis. You can go to another page or read on with an open mind and see if there is anything here new to you. This is for those who don’t understand – and there is no shame on not understanding IF you are trying to fix your lack.

So why aren’t the above theses? Why shouldn’t you build an essay around them? Let’s take the first for example: The vampire in Twilight. (Book titles get italicized.) Which vampire? What about him or her are you writing about? (If you don’t know, how should I know?) Are you talking about the entire series, or only the first book? What about the vampire are you going to be going into? Their character? Their foibles? Their sparkly-ness? How their reaction to sunlight varies markedly from that of a vampire in a different novel’s universe?

Ah, we are getting to something approaching a thesis now: their (The Twilightvampires) reaction to sunlight varies markedly from that of a vampire (name it / and the author) in a different novel’s universe? As a reader I am now expecting a compare/contrast or similarity/ difference essay patterned in one of the two optional formatting. The formatting tells me that I need to discuss both vampires’ reaction to sunlight equally. But a straightforward note that A and B are similar and the ways they are similar is a C paper at best. This is a jumping off point for the essay. In order to arrive above a C grade you need to give possible reasons for the similarity/differences. These can be psychological, scientific, sociologic, anthropological, historical, literary, or your own well-reasoned speculation. But the reasons are the flesh for the bones of your thesis.

What about: “I’m going to talk about vampires?” What is your own immediate reaction to that? Aren’t you wondering which vampires? What about those particular vampires will be included/excluded? Why them? (Note that if my class is about vampires in literature, I KNOW the paper will be about a vampire.) Like; duh anyone?

The true problem with the above is that it gives the writers no clues for what to include in the paper. This paper tends to be about two to four different vampires in different books/stories/poems with a bare listing of unrelated facts about them. It tries to make up in filler for lack of nutrients. It shoves a whole bunch of lettuce at me with a smidgeon of tuna and pretends to be a tuna salad. (As a part-time teacher, I’m not paid for time spent reading/grading papers, so I really resent these time-wasters. I have better things to spend my life on.)

So, how to make “talking about vampires” into an acceptable thesis? The vampire in “Lenore” must be invited into the house by the victim, while the vampire in “XXX” simply strolls into the house in search of a victim. Nope, still not there? What is missing? After all, I have named two vampires and the works they appear in. I have said, sorta, that this is about the need – or lack thereof – of an invitation for a vampire to come into a house. Why do I have to be explicit? Why do I have to spell it out? Because I read your thesis and expected the paper to be about freewill, the ability to choose ones destiny. Unless you spell it out, my expectations might not meet your content, and this leads to a lower grade. Would you know I would have this unspoken expectation? No. So lay your thesis out very specifically.

What is wrong with the final entry on my Lame Theses list? Long? Off topic? Boring? Padding? Lacking specificity? “I remembered a book about a vampire I read a long time ago. This is going to be about that.” Note that I didn’t bother copying/pasting the insulting beginning. Vampires are my passion. Whether or not the topic is your passion, you don’t want to insult the instructor’s topic area – because doing so makes the instructor dislike you. And that dislike WILL transfer to your grade.

So we are left with an unnamed book you read a long time ago. And you are going to say something about your experience reading it? Something about the time period in which you read it? No? Not what you intended? Well, it’s what you wrote you were going to do, and if you violate your own compact with yourself, how should I grade the resulting paper? (You see why you shouldn’t spit on the teacher’s baby?)

Thesis are instructions for yourself as you write the essay. They tell you what to include and what much be left out. They tell you what mode (pattern) of essay you are writing, and the mode will tell you the order in which to present the material you are including. (Students argue that the pattern shouldn’t matter – but like taking MapQuest directions and mixing the order, you don’t wind up where you wanted to go unless you follow the pattern correctly.) Essays shouldn’t be scavenger hunts where the poor sap has to search desperately for the relevant ideas, plodding through irrelevant details and falling into swamps trying to find a path to enlightenment. It is your job to tell them outright where they are going and what you are including. You do this with a clear thesis.